Ho‘oponopono: the Hawaiian Forgiveness Ritual
Before the sun goes down, forgive
— Hawaiian proverb
This is a chapter from The Authentic Lover.
If you have been wronged, or if you have done wrong and regret it, the Ho‘oponopono ritual of the traditional people of Hawai‘i can help heal and transform you to get past the troubling event. A Hawaiian proverb says “Before the sun goes down, forgive.” Nonviolence is at the heart of native Hawaiian culture. Through a sense of deep connection and interrelatedness, Hawaiians have for centuries maintained and transmitted a culture of gentleness and solidarity, including a deep reverence for living things (laulima) and working together for the common good; pono, or justice and hope; lokahi, harmony; ho‘okipa, hospitality; lokomaika‘i , generosity and goodwill; kokua, cooperation; ‘ohana interconnectedness; aloha ‘aina love for the land and the acknowledgement of our dependence on our environment; malama, caring for each other; and aloha, love and care for others.
It is not a magic formula that may or may not have an effect in the future. Theorizing it will not help, will not help. Just try saying it. The miracle lies in your willingness to try it.
For maintaining nonviolence within society, a Ho‘oponopono ritual is employed to resolve conflicts, and to heal grievances and transgressions. Literally, the phrase Ho‘oponopono means setting right to right, or restoring the natural balance of things, aloha. In order to heal from past hurt and violence, in order to let go, you too can perform the Ho‘oponopono:
The forgiveness ritual of Ho‘oponopono is love in action. You forgive yourself and others for having inflicted any sort of hurt, or for having failed to help when needed. “Making things rightly right” is a simple four-step procedure that helps you learn to forgive yourself unconditionally, to love, and, additionally, to make things better…
1. We ask to reach a place of recognition, courage, power, intelligence and peace.
2. We describe the problem and then search our heart for our share in it. This share may, for example, be a judgment we have made, or a specific action, or a memory that requires healing.
3. We forgive unconditionally and speak the four magic sentences:
I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.
4. We give thanks, express trust and let go.
— Ulrich Emil Duprée and Tony Mitton, Ho‘oponopono
One notable aspect of this process is the complete absence of blame, to that the perpetrator and the victim do not perform different actions. Either, or ideally both together, may perform the ritual to great benefit. In a protracted conflict where the parties have hurt each other a great many times, vast amounts of time and energy are spared by implicitly setting the question of blame aside. Today, this is encouraged by the criminal justice system of the State of Hawai‘i. Both offender and perpetrator, and maybe other parties involved, engage in a guided process. Once the process has been completed, the parties are free of any legal or psychological entanglement, and the matter is concluded. Healing can occur when all parties decide together to move on.
If you were wronged, what could be the sense of asking for forgiveness? You can ask for forgiveness for seeing the other as less than human, or even as a monster. Anger, no matter how righteous, can only poison you. Even if you avenge yourself, or the offender is punished lawfully, that outcome will not heal you, and may even create further problems. Ordinarily we harbor anger with little thought of forgiving, let alone extending love and compassion to our aggressor. We simply hurt ourselves, yet the magic four sentences are so simple:
I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.
It seems ridiculous to think this short prayer should have any power. It is not a magic formula that may or may not have an effect in the future. Theorizing it will not help, will not help. Just try saying it. The miracle lies in your willingness to try it. Even if you feel no inspiration, just take these simple words to heart, for your and the world’s sake:
I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.
This is a chapter from The Authentic Lover.
Bibliography
Duprée, Ulrich Emil, and Tony Mitton. Ho‘oponopono: The Hawaiian Forgiveness Ritual As the Key to Your Life’s Fulfillment. Forres, Scotland: Earthdancer, © 2012 Earthdancer GmbH, an Imprint of Findhorn Press, Scotland.
Hosmanek, Andrew J. “Cutting the Cord: Ho‘oponopono and Hawaiian Restorative Justice in the Criminal Law Context.” SSRN Electronic Journal, 2004. doi:10.2139/ssrn.635863.
Paige, Glenn D., and Sarah Gilliatt. Nonviolence in Hawaii’s Spiritual Traditions. Honolulu, Hawaii: Center for Global Nonviolence Planning Project, Spark M. Matsunaga Institute for Peace, University of Hawaii, 1991.
